February 24, 2012
Statshot: 10%

National News Highlights:
WATERTOWN, MA—Ethan Hodgson, 29, felt pretty great after traveling an unprecedented nine stops as the most attractive guy on the 71 bus.

February 23, 2012
Headline (not article): Handlers Constantly Reminding Gingrich To Stay On Uninspiring, Belittling Message

Infographic: Fifth from top (Laborers immobilized…)

February 22, 2012
American Voices: Left

February 21, 2012
Unsung Heroes:
While watching a young mother struggle with her a child at the local pharmacy, Margerie Hempstead respectfully held herself to a disapproving glare instead of explaining the proper way she would raise a child.

February 20, 2012
Article (not headline): Disturbed Beltway Sources Report Congress Eerily Cooperative Today

American Voices: Left

National News Highlights:
WASHINGTON, DC—Unbeknownst to them, liberal couple Abel Russ and Jessica Scott, both 29, haven’t had non-ethnic food in nearly two months.

February 18, 2012
Article (not headline): Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital

February 17, 2012
American Voices: Right

Statshot: 23%

Print Edition Headline: Obama Urges Citizens To Hide Evidence Of Our Formerly Prosperous Lives From Nation’s Young Children

February 16, 2012
Infographic: Fourth from top (Experimental prototype…), sixth from top (Closely guarded…), and bottommost

February 14, 2012
StockWatch:
McCormick & Company (MKC)
Shares in the spice purveyor soared on word that the three sturdy galleons dispatched two years afore had been sighted off the coast of Cape Verde, returning from their dangerous voyage to the exotic Orient with their casks brimful of redolent cinnamon, cardamom, and mysteriously intoxicating curried powder.

February 11, 2012
Article (not headline): 48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds

February 10, 2012
Statshot: 34%

National News Highlights:
VICTOR, CO—Amateur photographer Blake Cogburn, 33, hit the jackpot after happening upon an old boxcar.

February 9, 2012
Infographic: 1982, 1988, 2000, and 2006

February 8, 2012
TV Highlights:
Cryojennifer
CW
8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
Tonight: The beautiful but absentminded Cryojennifer completely messes up a sales report at work, makes the mistake of questioning her sister’s weight, and burns a meal she cooks for her boyfriend, realizing once again that the only way out of her mess is to put herself back into deep freeze until everyone’s dead.

February 7, 2012
Infographic: Third from top (A candidate should…)

February 4, 2012
Article (not headline): Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend

February 3, 2012
American Voices: Center

February 2, 2012
American Voices: Center

Infographic: Topmost, second from top (Hanging curtains…), and fifth from top (Getting asses kicked…)