November 10, 2009
American Voices: Right

StockWatch:
Citigroup (C)
Markets reacted positively to CEO Vikram Pandit’s announcements that the troubled financial titan would soon repay bailout money to the government in the form of a $45 billion prepaid Visa gift card.

November 9, 2009
American Voices: Center

November 8, 2009
Print Edition TV Highlights:
Elder Whisperer (CBS) 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
Nina Jerome (Keri Russell) possesses the preternatural ability to pay attention to senior citizens and actually listen to what they have to say.

November 7, 2009
Print Edition Letters to the Editor,
Dear The Onion or current resident,
Enjoy OUTRAGEOUS autumn deals at The Smog Doctor! Take $10 off your State of California Smog Inspection during our SMOGTOBERFEST blowout! Remember: If you catch YOUR CAR smoking, then come see the Doctor!
—The Smog Doctor, Santa Clarita, CA

November 5, 2009
American Voices: Center

November 4, 2009
Infographic: Fourth from bottom ($245 million) and bottommost

Statshot: 13%

Print Edition Letters to the Editor:
Dear The Onion,
Thanks for keeping the whole DUI/stripper incident on the DL and off the front page. I owe you one.
—J. Biden, Washington, D.C.

November 3, 2009
American Voices: Center

November 2, 2009
American Voices: Right

October 30, 2009
National News Highlights:
EVERETT, MA—While taking down the “Vote Ed” signs from his lawn, defeated school-board-chairman candidate Ed Drabek couldn’t help but imagine that his victorious opponent Donald McCasky was probably living it up and sleeping with multiple beautiful women at that very moment.

October 29, 2009
American Voices: Right