January 27, 2012
Statshot: 9%
TV Highlights:
Piers Morgan: The Animated Adventure
CNN
9 a.m. EST/8 a.m. CST
This Saturday morning, Piers sets out on a quest to find the most-talented person in all of Morgania before sitting down for a chatty, yet in-depth interview with cartoon Rob Lowe.
January 26, 2012
American Voices: Right
January 25, 2012
Article (not headline): Romneymania Sweeps America
January 22, 2012
National News Highlights:
LAS CRUCES, NM—Advertising sales rep Brian Costello, 36, couldn’t say when or why, but he was pretty sure he’d heard the name “Herman Cain” at some point before.
January 21, 2012
Newswire Headline: Exit Polls Reveal Majority Of South Carolina Voters Had Emotional Breakdown In Voting Booth
January 19, 2012
Infographic: Third from top (Is said to have…) and fifth from top (While restructuring…)
January 18, 2012
Corrections:
For years, The Onion has systematically cataloged all our web users’ personal information: what they were reading, when they were reading it, and which articles they e-mailed to others. The Onion would like to offer its deepest apologies for not allowing advertisers access to this information sooner.
January 17, 2012
National News Highlights:
MONTEREY, CA—Upon starting his car Monday morning, deacon Matthew Sherman startled himself with how loud he had left Immaculate Heart Catholic talk radio 1240 AM.
January 16, 2012
Article (not headline): Arby’s Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef
January 15, 2012
Headline: Attending ‘Price Is Right’ Taping Apparently Sailors’ Best Idea For Shore Leave
January 14, 2012
Letters to the Editor:
Dear The Onion,
We need a copy of your Pearl Harbor front page to spin around quickly in a newsreel we’re working on. I trust you will supply.
— Robert Stanton, U.S. War Propaganda Department, Washington, D.C.
TV Highlights:
Inadvertent Ice Road Truckers
History
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST
After taking a wrong turn out of Calgary, trucker Dale Bronson eventually realizes he’s hauled his load of Lady Jordache sporting apparel much too far north.
Statshot: 12%
January 12, 2012
Infographic: Topmost and fifth from top (Food bank…)
January 11, 2012
American Voices: Center
January 10, 2012
Article (not headline): Fish At Pretty Good Place In Its Life Right Now
January 9, 2012
Article (not headline): Capitol Building Haunted By Spirit Of Killed Piece Of Legislation
American Voices: Center
January 8, 2012
Headline (not article): Mississippi Brings Down Yet Another National Average
January 5, 2012
Infographic: Sept. 22, Dec. 10, and Dec. 15 (bottommost)
Article (not headline): Boy Scouts Celebrate Proud History Of Preparing Teens For Not Having Cool Friends
January 4, 2012
American Voices: Right
TV Highlights:
Zero To Hero
USA
9:30 p.m. EST/8:30 p.m. CST
Host George Wendt gives three contestants zero money and no advice, telling them to come back with the best meatball hero in town. George Wendt judges.
January 3, 2012
American Voices: Left
Newswire Headline: Man Thinks It’s About Time He Went Back To Website He Just Visited 15 Seconds Ago
January 2, 2012
Article (not headline): Neighborhood Kind Of Hoping Panera Bread Shows Up And Plows Over Charming Local Bakery
TV Highlights:
Ivy League Horse
TBS
8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
The mathematics department is once again astonished when Speckles the Ivy League Horse casually eyes a complex non-Euclidean geometry problem and immediately clops his hoof the correct 214 times.
December 18, 2011
Those We Lost In 2011: Steve Jobs
December 17, 2011
2011′s Biggest Names In Local News: Melanie Farrell, Darian Parker, Paul Bombard, Natalia Ralph, and Dustin Martell
December 16, 2011
American Voices: Center and Right
2011′s Biggest Political Newsmakers: Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, and Barack Obama
December 15, 2011
American Voices: Right
December 14, 2011
2011′s Biggest Names In Entertainment: Ryan Gosling and Kate Middleton
December 13, 2011
Style Tips: Second from bottom (When wearing a…) and bottommost
2011′s Top 5 International Newsmakers: Vladimir Putin, Osama bin Laden, and Muammar Qaddafi
December 12, 2011
Newswire Headline: Obama Spends Entire 3-Hour Town Hall Meeting Trying To Explain That He Doesn’t Set Gas Prices
2011′s Most Influential People In Economic News: The 99%
Police Blotter:
Dec. 2-Police entered a house on the 2200 block of Grove Street Monday evening on reports that the occupants had really done it up nice and put in hardwood floors and everything.
December 11, 2011
National News Highlights:
NORTH CONWAY, NH—The Tolbert household passed around the phone so that family members could have five identical conversations with Aunt Sally.
December 9, 2011
American Voices: Right
Statshot: 20% and 19%
December 8, 2011
American Voices: Right
December 7, 2011
Article (not headline): 6-Year-Old Boy Thinks He Might Be Too Old To Be In Women’s Locker Room
December 5, 2011
National News Highlights:
CHICAGO—Container Store employee Adam Desrosier likes to think of the store itself as one big container.
December 4, 2011
National News Highlights:
TALLAHASSEE, FL—A party on Providence Street was enlivened when Ross Loomis, the guy who always gets naked at parties, got naked.
Wedding Announcements:
Despite being a lavish Jewish ceremony with several quirky twists, the nuptials of Josh Greene and Alyssa Mandel Sunday was deemed not quite lavish, Jewish, or quirky enough to make it into the New York Times’ ‘Weddings & Celebrations’ section.
December 3, 2011
Article (not headline): Early Stage Threesome Forming In Corner Of Party
Corrections:
Jesus, we messed up—we messed up big time. Oh, God, we didn’t mean to do it, okay? It just happened. Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Onion, come on, just think. Fuck! Okay, okay, we can do this. We’ll just move him into the basement and think things through from there.
December 2, 2011
Headline (not article): Scalia Recuses Self From Capital Murder Case, Citing Double Homicide He Committed in ’80s
November 30, 2011
Article (not headline): 54 Iraqis Die In Not Our Problem Anymore
American Voices: Right
November 28, 2011
American Voices: Right
November 21, 2011
American Voices: Center
Obituaries:
Army Spc. Kenneth Parnell will be laid to rest Saturday at one of five possible locations in the greater Columbus area, just to keep those Westboro Baptist assholes guessing.
November 20, 2011
TV Highlights:
Prescription: Bedtime
CBS
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST
This week’s episode of the hit medical drama once again lulls the nation’s fiftysomething moms to fall asleep on the couch, while the “code blue” commotion at the end is just loud enough to rouse them, make them look around groggily, and announce they’d better get ready for bed.
November 18, 2011
American Voices: Right
November 17, 2011
Article (not headline): Only Time Employee Has Ever Done Job Is When Training Replacement
Infographic: 1974 and 1994
November 16, 2011
TV Highlights:
Parking Wars
A&E
8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
Watching tonight’s four-hour block of fast-paced parking-ticket-enforcement action will not only catch you up on all of this season’s heart-pounding ups and downs, it has now been recognized by the American Psychiatric Association as an effective indicator of clinical depression.
November 15, 2011
StockWatch:
Popcorn Factory (POP)
Share prices climbed today on word Ohio homemaker Debbie Turnquist had been absolutely bombarded with catalogs and was slowly showing signs of believing $29.99 was an acceptable price for a can of popcorn.
November 11, 2011
Statshot: 1%
Infographic: John Paul II
National News Highlights:
BALLWIN, MO—Staring down at a Kleenex box and a paper towel roll for several minutes and getting absolutely nothing, 7-year-old Nicholas Baird had to face the fact that he had an absolutely terrible imagination.
November 10, 2011
American Voices: Right
November 9, 2011
Article (not headline): Report: It All Some Kind Of Sick Joke
Corrections:
The Onion Magazine would like to retract tip three from our Sept. 4 back-to-school fashion issue. According to numerous ninth-grade girls who have since written in, cuff bracelets are fashionable only if you’re a total dyke. We regret the error.
November 8, 2011
American Voices: Left
November 7, 2011
TV Highlights:
Charlie Rose
PBS
11 p.m. EST/10 p.m. CST
Altering his program’s storyline in an effort to halt declining ratings, the veteran broadcaster opens his 21st season by appearing as a single father who tries to make ends meet while interviewing evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins.
